24/07/2024

It's finally happening. I had cut myself off from dreaming, reflexing liminting myself to prevent disappointment. I was not happy or content with the idea of the rest of my entire life being so diminished, exhausted, painful. But there seemed to be no other option. And now I am here in my own home, beautifully renovated, on permanent disability, picking up my dream dog in a few hours. Allowing myself to take action for this puppy was one of the first times I broke out of the story I was limiting myself with, two years ago. I stopped the voice that would go 'but that won't happen' and asked, "why not? why can't it?" and I am doing that more and more. Slowly. And making things happen. And I am so happy. There will be more things to do: getting back to driving, starting a small hobby kennel after getting the right education, making a rose garden, continuing with pilates, getting back to regular writing and publishing. Having my house in a magazine. Why can't I?

21/04/2024

After a lot of consideration and revisiting memories, I have admitted to myself that my MIL is just... a cunt? A bitter and critical person. Like that's just who she is. And has been for decades. And will probably always be, until she dies. Expecting anything else or taking it too personally is unproductive. I do have to remind myself to stop trying to hard to be positive and conversational, because she will spin every idle comment or compliment into a complaint or awkward statement. Regarding the house, we are just waiting on the plasterwork to be done. The bathroom installation starts tomorrow.

08/04/2024

I meant to write when I was in the US, visiting my parents. To keep track of how I feel, so I can remember. Tender, distant, aware, the stress is there but so is a stillness. More patience for their follies, more awareness of my own. I was surprised by my own serenity, I can *feel* physically how much I've developed as a person by how the experiences affect my body and mood. I can feel how much stronger I am, more patient, more placid, without the feeling of matyrdom. Birdsong, humidity, cedar, squirrels in the attic above my room. She didn't know what kind of breakfast to make me so she went and got an iced oatmilk latte and a McDonald's hashbrown every morning, even when I grew sick of it. There are still times when I don't know what to say, but just acknowleding that she has spoken seems to be enough. Which I guess is always the point. That she feels listened to, and not alone. My father was a little emotional and came over to hug me the last morning, but he was carrying the trash to take it out and it started leaking, so he didn't give me the hug he wanted to. Obviously we hugged right before I went through security, but it made me sad that the spontaneous affection was interrupted by trash juice.

I caught a cold somehow as well. It came on quicker than I'd expect, when I was in the car on the way back from 24ish hours of travel.

I received news on my disability, but need to send some follow-up questions.

They are putting in the wood floors starting today or tomorrow.

29/02/2024

another early morning call about the tradesmen not knowing how to do something slightly different from the bog-standard norwegian big box store mcdonalds-tier stuff. seriously considered invoking the gods to help me, but then i was like. babe it's just a shower mixer. i have to save that stuff for Real Problems. I do feel like the tradesmen probably hate me, but I've also gotten the impression that a lot of tradesmen kind of hate anyone who asks them to do anything other than the default, mediocrely. also lol at the salesman suggesting that they're scared i'm going to sue them because i'm an american. he was throwing blame around everyone but himself, my respect for him tanked over the phone call. not that he cares. but once this is over i'll probably leave a thorough 3 star review, which will pissss him off.

28/02/2024

My period's coming and my heart is full of rage again :)

27/02/2024

I spent the weekend with my father and husband in the capital. We stayed at both an amazing AirBnB and a stylish 5 star hotel. In addition to spending time with my dad, I drank quite a lot of champagne, did some shopping, got a new sofa, lived beautifully. Slept poorly, though. My doctor's appointment to ask about central sleep apnea is on Monday; I need to start tracking my oxygen levels while sleeping. Electrical and plumbing work is starting at the house; over the past couple of weeks there have been a few early morning calls from the tradesmen with sudden requests for all the planning. So then I have to scramble to organize all of my thoughts and choices into a coherent document, meet with them down at the house, and spend a few hours going over everything. I'm very lucky to have this opportunity; I really can't wait. What an awful winter it's been. My period's about to start, but I think on Sunday I will start a period of dieting, to try to lose roughly 3 lbs. It won't be as intense as the diet I went through in October, but once that's done I think I'll have achieved a 19.5ish BMI.

I'm thinking of suggesting to my husband that we sleep in separate beds some days of the week. Like mon-fri, or something, once we're back at our home. I'm just realizing more and more how much his snoring and movements impacts my sleep, and while I love LOVE LOVE LOVEEE cuddling and feeling his warmth, sleep quality has such a huge impact on my daily energy levels and mood. I guess I will wait and see if I can get a sleep study and treatment. Maybe getting more deep sleep with a CPAP or equivilant will result in me waking up less from his snoring. But I also kind of like the idea of turning 'my' bedroom into a sensual paradise. Inviting him into the boudoir, entering a world of scent, touch, taste that he associates with pleasure.

Anyway!

15/02/2024

You know what? I'm doing a fucking excellent job. Fuck you, me. Having boundaries to preserve my health doesn't make me a selfish person. And she's also doing the best she knows how to do. So reading too deeply into anything is just a recipe for misery. I deserve to have time to rest, and space to deal with my own household and problems and family.

Anyway. My mom offered to get me some stuff from the Realreal for my upcoming trip to the US, so I'm spending a couple of hours before I have to watch my MIL's puppy meticulously planning out what to buy. I've been working through my thoughts and feelings on fashion using Rita's Four Essence System, and it's been valuable for helping me figure out where to go next. I've identified keywords to describe what I want my fashion to feel like, and made pinterest boards for what I want it to look like. I think the biggest challenge is being reliant on shopping online, I probably miss out on a lot of excellent pieces simply because I can't see the details in-person. lace, lace, silk, silk, chiffon, green, black. Baroque fae. Aristocratic sensuality.

13/02/2024

Being alone with the puppy slowly errodes at my mental health as the day progresses. Not sure why. It's quite okay 'on paper' now, but I guess it's just a bit suffocating. Not being in my own home. It's freezing outside, there keeps being terrible weather that keeps me from safely going on walks. Or I do go on walks with the right shoes, but those give me shin splits even after very brief walks so I've stopped bothering. And I spoke to my mom for almost an hour, and I just have this terrible gnawing anxiety about the fragility of their health and lifestyle. But this is life. Mostly everyone goes through it. I already did some basic mat pilates today, which helped my mood and energy in the first half of the day. Maybe I'll take a bath tonight, that usually re-centers me. I hate that I'm starting to resent my MIL; I am almost certain she resents me sometimes. But that's simply what happens when you live with them, I guess. And it's still tremendously kind of her to let us live here without asking for money. I try to repay that with what I can (cleaning, dinner from scratch 2-3x a week, watching her puppy 2x a week, saying yes and smiling to pretty much everything she asks even when it's super short notice and deeply inconvenient), but it's hard. And I never know if I'm doing enough, or if I'm somehow taking advantage? But as last week's difficulty taught me, yea. I think I am pretty much doing as much as I can without having a nervous breakdown and/or health crisis. I just wish I didn't feel inadequete.

Yesterday's mother's day thing was fine, I guess. I felt more than anything like an accessory to their life. I've been feeling like that more and more lately. We aren't having children, so it's natural that the grandson and his parents are extremely important to her. And that the conversation focuses largely on that. But just the way she kept talking about things, subtleties in framing ideas... Like I'm slowly being wedged out, taken for granted. So it is. Though it could just be me being sensitive and overthinking things; and even if it is true, I think... that's okay. It's a little bruising to my ego, but I can't pretend like I don't have avoidant, airy, icy, I'd-rather-not feelings about becoming too deeply mired in other people's lives.

I don't know. I'm in a period of difficulty; things are all mixed up.

12/02/2024

I woke up at around 7:30am, and texted my husband. He called me, and told me the plumber had spoken and we had to meet with him to make the final decisions on both bathrooms today. So I spent a few hours furiously finalizing layouts. We met at lunch at the house; it took about an hour and a half to discuss everything, but we finalized the layouts for both. I'm very pleased I sketched the possible layouts out to-scale, it helped so much to see how everything fit. It took about four different versions before we found the one we wanted. And of course afterwards, the carpenters chatted with us and told us another change they'd have to make bc of how janky our house is (more work! more money! more time!).
Anyway, I made us lunch and tea after and now I'm resting. Then I'll cook dinner and bake a cake - it was mother's day yesterday, but the family is actually celebrating today. I've never made a coffee cake before, but I'm looking forward to seeing how it turns out.

10/02/2024

My beloved has returned, I'm tipsy on blueberry wine, I had an excellent reformer pilates class, and he is making us pizza. I showered; I am clean. Tomorrow we will make love and clean our under-construction home to save money, so the carpenters don't have to spend working hours cleaning it themselves. I will be sore; I will be tired. But I will also be back in his arms.

My father was so happy that my husband called my mom to discuss how she had hurt me. He was the warmest I've heard him in years; I feel very loved. Even if life is hard right now.

08/02/2024

I slept better. My dad tested negative for covid, so maybe it's the flu instead. I still cried a little today, but I'm not as fragile as a couple of days ago. My soul urges me on to be productive, to take advantage of the life I have by engaging with art. But my body and mind are tired and... floppy, lol. Idk how else to describe it. I think I might feel a little better once I call and chat with my mom today. Or worse. Who knows. I know I need to just rest. Everything is a little harder without my husband's presence.

07/02/2024

My mom sent me a message yesterday about how I needed to do more for my MIL, after I'd spent two days looking after my MIL's high energy puppy, trapped in her house. I have tendon damage in both my arms from my autoimmune disease that keeps me from being able to drive w/out disabling pain, and we're currently living in my husband's childhood room at my in-law's farm while our renovation happens. The farm is on a mountain. That's currently covered in ice. A couple of hours from the friends I've made, and an ocean away from my family. I cann't even go to the grocery store without someone driving me, and can't leave the room without being drawn into a conversation. It has been almost five months with no real rest, only waiting. And the awfulness that happened this autumn.

And the text was just the shit cherry on top. I cried for the better part of an hour; I'm still bone-tired with sore lungs from the colds(?). The congestion and runny noses is 95% gone but my lungs kind of hurt and my head aches and I have that deep deep exhaustion.

I'm rambling; my husband called her today and spoke a little about how much I'm doing for everyone that she doesn't hear about or see and I think she understands now. He's never done anything like that before, and he's so gentle and mild tempered and my whole family respects and adores him. So she apologized. But then she told me that my dad has covid now... My mom will probably get it again, too. She is terribly sick herself, and refuses to use traditional medicine. So that will be another period of uncertainty, and fear.

I don't know how I can bear it if another tragedy happens so close to the last one. It's barely been six weeks since my husband's father passed away from very sudden and excrutiating multi-organ cancer. It feels like it's been much longer, somehow.

The worst part of tragedies is how terribly one sleeps. It just becomes torturous night after night, hours of exhausted wakefulness followed by days of pained exhaustion followed by another night of restlessness. It's like the pain is painted on in layers. It weighs you down, becomes inescapable. I think I am going to pray tonight. I am holding out so badly for spring, but there is nothing to do but endure.

05/02/2024

My husband is soooooooooooooo sweeeeeeet! I have the sweetest husband. And our life is coming together so beautifully, just a little more endurance and then - Arcadia!

04/02/2024

it's hard to know when you're being justified vs kind of a cunt. it's exhausting trying to be good AND functional. but the alternative is worse. one of the worst parts of living is the ambiguity. you hurt and are hurt and there's nothing else you can really do but live with the pain and work through it and try to be better. but there's no going back and there's no perfect cleansing of sin, arithmetical and simple (if not easy). i need to take a bath

recovering from two colds (or one continuous one?) in two weeks. hope it's done for good; it's my fault for not supplementing vitamin d this miserable winter.